Monday, July 12, 2010

confusion...and maybe....submission.

On my last post I said I was enjoying the summer....that's not exactly true. I have been wrestling with my emotions and my desire for something that is so great...yet...so unattainable.

It's a struggle I can't get past. I want to adopt a specific little boy so bad, but it seems like , I don't know, maybe GOD is saying 'no'. If He isn't saying no, He sure isn't making it easy to hear the YES.

WHY would He have put this child so strongly in my heart if I can't go to him? That doesn't make sense to me. In fact, it makes me kind of mad. And in turn, depressed.

I'm tired of trying to 'talk everyone into it' and do whatever it takes to make it work! My poor husband is at his wits end...trying to find a way to not say 'no' to me....yet not seeing how to make it work. The stress is getting to him, so I know I have to back off.

But if we don't make a decision FAST we won't complete the adoption in 2010 , which would mean no tax refund until 2012, and that's NOT a great option for us.

I find submission SO HARD. I think I hate it in fact. I feel like it's 'giving up' and I can't stand the thought of that. This little boy needs someone who is NOT going to give up on him, or he'll be there the rest of his life. He's already almost 6, and in the adoption world, that's old.

So, that's where I'm at. Just kind of 'out there,' confused and discouraged.

And no matter how many times someone tells me that maybe God is trying to tell me something, like 'he isn't for us' or 'maybe I need to focus on the kids I have'...that won't do any good, because I quickly reject that. Then I just sit here and stew.

So there. That's what's REALLY been going on with me.

You ever get in a total funk and can't seem to get out of it???

13 comments:

  1. Hi Jody,
    I appreciate the hard spot you are in. A lot of adoptive parents I know find themselves drawn by another sweet face sooner than they would have expected. I don't have any answers. Waiting on God is hard but necessary. One thing I lean on is the fact that God loves these children even more than we do and He does have a plan for their lives . Maybe it includes us, maybe not. We just have to trust Him, His ways, His timing.
    Lisa
    ps-ask Him for wisdom and discernment...His Word promises that He will give it to us if we ask.

    ReplyDelete
  2. oh my friend. i totally feel ya. it is sooo hard. i read something recently, that stated GOD would never put an orphan in your heart if he DIDNT WANT you to save them. GOD wants all orphans saved. It may be this little boy is meant to be saved by you. I will help you fund raise, I promise. Make goals as the payments come up, it can be done. hugs to you my friend.

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  3. God allowed me to wait and be submissive for our 4th child for almost 9yrs. I actually stopped praying for a 4th child because I figured God had said no through Jim. I spent a lot of time being frustrated, oh heck, downright BITTER that I had to submit to Jim in this area. It finally dawned on me that this had nothing to do with being submissive to Jim but in being obedient to God and HIS timing. Once I reconciled that issue, I was able to hash things out with God and let him know I was mad at Him for not allowing me the desires of my heart, etc. All that time He had Nadia on his heart for our family. Is this little boy on God's heart for your family, Jodi? I don't know. But I know He's given you this burden for a reason and I pray that He will give you peace during the waiting.

    Love you!
    Kristin

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  4. There are currently 6 children from age 9-0 who are in my own family, who I have cried for, held, prayed over, and begged their mom to sign over. I have wanted them for 8 years now. Every time she adds another one, my heart breaks, social services hands them over to her elderly mother, and they continue down a terrible path. I've fought, offered everything I could, prayed fervently, and nothing.... I even send the oldest National Geographic for kids subscriptions and care packages.

    Sometimes God says no. He said no to me. We saved Anna and Tanner. My heart still aches for those children, and I'd take them in a heart beat, but there is nothing I can do. I am not in control. I cannot obsess over it. I did for a long time. However, pining for those kids and ruining my marriage and family in the process, will get us all no where in the end. So I have to be okay. It's not easy to let go, but there is no other choice. Submission is hard. Big hugs to ya.

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  5. oh honey, I wish I could help!!!
    maybe you are meant to bring attention to him, maybe pray for him, fundraise for him, maybe go for him. I don't know what is meant to be. Praying you find peace one way or another :)
    hugs!

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  6. These are the thougts and feelings in my mind exactly!! God bless you for allowing your difficult thoughts and feelings to impact others- probably as much or maybe more than the gooey happy ones. Much Love in Christ...

    ReplyDelete
  7. Perhaps you're the one who is supposed to find another family to take him?
    I should say...I'm not a "Christian" so I don't believe in "God has a plan" and that sort of thing.
    But I *do* believe that everything happens for a reason and every encounter and experience has a purpose. Sometimes, that purpose is to teach others something about self, another person or life in general. It's possible that your desire to help this child isn't intended to serve as a vehicle for his adoption; perhaps you're supposed to *learn* something from this experience. Perhaps you need to learn this lesson *before* you'll be the "right" parent for this boy or maybe it's a lesson you need to learn in order to fulfill your destiny as parent to Artiom or one of your other kids.

    Or perhaps you're supposed to find another family for him. Or maybe your purpose is to raise awareness for other EE orphans.

    To illustrate my point...
    I care for the feral cats in my neighborhood and I found myself very drawn to one in particular. We formed a bond over the months; I "tamed" him and we were going to adopt him. I took him to the vet for an exam only to learn that he was terminally ill with a contagious condition that would have killed all my other cats. He was so sick; we had no choice but to euthanize him. I was his means to a peaceful end (rather than suffering during the last weeks of his life); he was my means to a reawakening of sorts. His death underscored my commitment to helping animals in need and I've been more aggressive in spreading awareness so that other animals don't suffer a similar fate due to abandonment, abuse or neglect.

    That was 4 months ago. That one experience got me angry! (Because an uncaring person abandoned that cat, placing him in a position to get a deadly illness.) It led me to start a neighborhood trap-spay/neuter-release program and we've placed 22 feral kittens who would have otherwise lived a difficult life on the fringes of society.

    My point is this: the ending in that situation wasn't the one that I would have requested. But it served a purpose; and that experience has already led me to help dozens of other animals. That 1 life was lost, but others were saved because of his death.

    Granted, as an adoptive parent, I realize that child adoption and cat adoption are very different, but the theme -- "everything has a purpose; it's not always obvious nor is it necessarily the purpose we would have asked for" -- is constant in all areas of life.

    It's not always black and white and sometimes, it's downright painful to think that what we want may never come to pass, but everything happens for a reason. I find peace in the belief that everything serves a purpose; we can't change it or fight it. Just live, be happy, and when you're inspired to take action, go for it!!

    - Truewell

    ReplyDelete
  8. Perhaps you're the one who is supposed to find another family to take him?
    I should say...I'm not a "Christian" so I don't believe in "God has a plan" and that sort of thing.
    But I *do* believe that everything happens for a reason and every encounter and experience has a purpose. Sometimes, that purpose is to teach others something about self, another person or life in general. It's possible that your desire to help this child isn't intended to serve as a vehicle for his adoption; perhaps you're supposed to *learn* something from this experience. Perhaps you need to learn this lesson *before* you'll be the "right" parent for this boy or maybe it's a lesson you need to learn in order to fulfill your destiny as parent to Artiom or one of your other kids.

    Or perhaps you're supposed to find another family for him. Or maybe your purpose is to raise awareness for other EE orphans.

    To illustrate my point...
    I care for the feral cats in my neighborhood and I found myself very drawn to one in particular. We formed a bond over the months; I "tamed" him and we were going to adopt him. I took him to the vet for an exam only to learn that he was terminally ill with a contagious condition that would have killed all my other cats. He was so sick; we had no choice but to euthanize him. I was his means to a peaceful end (rather than suffering during the last weeks of his life); he was my means to a reawakening of sorts. His death underscored my commitment to helping animals in need and I've been more aggressive in spreading awareness so that other animals don't suffer a similar fate due to abandonment, abuse or neglect.

    That was 4 months ago. That one experience got me angry! (Because an uncaring person abandoned that cat, placing him in a position to get a deadly illness.) It led me to start a neighborhood trap-spay/neuter-release program and we've placed 22 feral kittens who would have otherwise lived a difficult life on the fringes of society.

    My point is this: the ending in that situation wasn't the one that I would have requested. But it served a purpose; and that experience has already led me to help dozens of other animals. That 1 life was lost, but others were saved because of his death.

    Granted, as an adoptive parent, I realize that child adoption and cat adoption are very different, but the theme -- "everything has a purpose; it's not always obvious nor is it necessarily the purpose we would have asked for" -- is constant in all areas of life.

    It's not always black and white and sometimes, it's downright painful to think that what we want may never come to pass, but everything happens for a reason. I find peace in the belief that everything serves a purpose; we can't change it or fight it. Just live, be happy, and when you're inspired to take action, go for it!!

    - Truewell

    ReplyDelete
  9. Perhaps you're the one who is supposed to find another family to take him?
    I should say...I'm not a "Christian" so I don't believe in "God has a plan" and that sort of thing.
    But I *do* believe that everything happens for a reason and every encounter and experience has a purpose. Sometimes, that purpose is to teach others something about self, another person or life in general. It's possible that your desire to help this child isn't intended to serve as a vehicle for his adoption; perhaps you're supposed to *learn* something from this experience. Perhaps you need to learn this lesson *before* you'll be the "right" parent for this boy or maybe it's a lesson you need to learn in order to fulfill your destiny as parent to Artiom or one of your other kids.

    Or perhaps you're supposed to find another family for him. Or maybe your purpose is to raise awareness for other EE orphans.

    To illustrate my point...
    I care for the feral cats in my neighborhood and I found myself very drawn to one in particular. We formed a bond over the months; I "tamed" him and we were going to adopt him. I took him to the vet for an exam only to learn that he was terminally ill with a contagious condition that would have killed all my other cats. He was so sick; we had no choice but to euthanize him. I was his means to a peaceful end (rather than suffering during the last weeks of his life); he was my means to a reawakening of sorts. His death underscored my commitment to helping animals in need and I've been more aggressive in spreading awareness so that other animals don't suffer a similar fate due to abandonment, abuse or neglect.
    (continued)....

    ReplyDelete
  10. (continued)...
    That was 4 months ago. That one experience got me angry! (Because an uncaring person abandoned that cat, placing him in a position to get a deadly illness.) It led me to start a neighborhood trap-spay/neuter-release program and we've placed 22 feral kittens who would have otherwise lived a difficult life on the fringes of society.

    My point is this: the ending in that situation wasn't the one that I would have requested. But it served a purpose; and that experience has already led me to help dozens of other animals. That 1 life was lost, but others were saved because of his death.

    Granted, as an adoptive parent, I realize that child adoption and cat adoption are very different, but the theme -- "everything has a purpose; it's not always obvious nor is it necessarily the purpose we would have asked for" -- is constant in all areas of life.

    It's not always black and white and sometimes, it's downright painful to think that what we want may never come to pass, but everything happens for a reason. I find peace in the belief that everything serves a purpose; we can't change it or fight it. Just live, be happy, and when you're inspired to take action, go for it!!

    - Truewell

    ReplyDelete