On my last post I said I was enjoying the summer....that's not exactly true. I have been wrestling with my emotions and my desire for something that is so great...yet...so unattainable.
It's a struggle I can't get past. I want to adopt a specific little boy so bad, but it seems like , I don't know, maybe GOD is saying 'no'. If He isn't saying no, He sure isn't making it easy to hear the YES.
WHY would He have put this child so strongly in my heart if I can't go to him? That doesn't make sense to me. In fact, it makes me kind of mad. And in turn, depressed.
I'm tired of trying to 'talk everyone into it' and do whatever it takes to make it work! My poor husband is at his wits end...trying to find a way to not say 'no' to me....yet not seeing how to make it work. The stress is getting to him, so I know I have to back off.
But if we don't make a decision FAST we won't complete the adoption in 2010 , which would mean no tax refund until 2012, and that's NOT a great option for us.
I find submission SO HARD. I think I hate it in fact. I feel like it's 'giving up' and I can't stand the thought of that. This little boy needs someone who is NOT going to give up on him, or he'll be there the rest of his life. He's already almost 6, and in the adoption world, that's old.
So, that's where I'm at. Just kind of 'out there,' confused and discouraged.
And no matter how many times someone tells me that maybe God is trying to tell me something, like 'he isn't for us' or 'maybe I need to focus on the kids I have'...that won't do any good, because I quickly reject that. Then I just sit here and stew.
So there. That's what's REALLY been going on with me.
You ever get in a total funk and can't seem to get out of it???