Things are weird for me right now. You ever get in a 'holding pattern' and feel like there's nothing you can do but WAIT for direction?
That's where I'm at.
I thought I knew what God was saying to me. I had a very clear picture of what he wanted me to do and who he wanted me to bring home. (future adoption) I was certain of it. I have this childs picture all over the house, we pray for him ( and for when we can go get him) every night at supper.
But bit by bit things seemed to get more difficult. And it seemed harder to make it a reality. He wasn't where we thought he was....he has more medical issues than originally thought.....now he is in a VERY difficult region to adopt from and he lost his original grant. All these not good things started coming up. So, I have to question, "God, are you saying this is not the child you have for our family"? Or are you just seeing how determined I am? Do you have another child in mind for us?
Then I start looking at other children, one little boy in particular at the same orphanage where Toma was at. A child I've seen many times in pictures and never felt drawn to him. But now I see him in a different light, with different abilities and such a sweetness about him.... and I would love to bring him home. Plus, we know the region. We have dear friends there.
But my mind is swirling around all these details. I said about a month ago that I was just going to stop pushing so hard and sit back and LISTEN.
That's what I've been doing.
It's just hard to know what He's saying all the time. But perhaps doors closing are His way of saying no. Or perhaps, I'm just taking an easier way out. It's so confusing!
So, all I can do at this point is PRAY for direction, PRAY that if another adoption is His will for our family that He shows us HOW to do it and which child is meant for us.
In the mean time, my newest son will turn 6 years old tomorrow :) And we're so very grateful to have him.